Family Vacation

We are getting ready to take the first real family vacation in a long while. The last time we took a vacation together was 2yrs ago when we went to Disney World over Valentine's Day weekend. While it was fun, it was stressful. Adam & Sara kept running off in opposite directions, Lexi had a full on meltdown while watching a live High School Musical show (still have no idea what the problem was) and Jacob and Kadie were just, well, Jacob and Kadie. You would think now that they are older that I would be looking forward to this and it wouldn't be as bad but I am still nervous. I am already anticipating the whining, the fighting, the overreacting by mom & dad and the feelings of embarrassment that I am sure to encounter. I am already stressing about forgetting something and the kids have been asking every hour what time we are leaving even though I have said it a million times already. These trips are supposed to be fun. The kids are supposed to have a good time and laugh and be carefree. I am supposed to smile as I watch my kids play with legos and ride rides at Legoland, learn about dinosaurs at the Field Museum and as they watch an assortment of fish at the Shedd Aquarium. But that isn't me. I am constantly on my toes waiting for one of my kids to lag behind as the rest of us are moving along or to try and climb up on something while all the other parents around are shaking their heads at my terrible parenting. I just want to enjoy myself but I am so afraid of being judged by the "perfect" parents that I keep myself on edge. Maybe my kids will surprise me and actually listen and not make me want to rip my hair out. However, I will not hold my breath. I won't set my expectations too high and if by chance I still have hair left when we get home I will consider that a good vacation.

No Good at Anything

That's right... I am admitting I have a problem. A problem with committment. I may still be with my husband after 10 long, crazy, emotional, amazing years... but I still have a problem keeping up with anything. I did a 30 day photo challenge... missing a day somehow, I start diets and exercise programs all the time but before long they are non-existant, I become the perfect housewife for a day or two then I am back to my lazy self (you know, as lazy as a person with 5 kids can be) and I love working outside of the home for a short period of time but after awhile I am done. I must say though, I didn't quit this time (for a change).

I may have said this before, but sometimes I just need to pour on the self pity to get myself out of a rut I am in. I hate when people worry about me. I hate when people try to cheer me up when I am in a bad mood. I hate being told to calm down or smile or unwind when all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs. Some days I am in such a bad place that the littlest things set me off. Everything and everyone annoys me. I am afraid on those days that I will say things that I don't mean... or worse, that I do mean. And I know you all know what I mean by that.

Today is just one those days where everything is okay but nothing feels right. I feel like the worst mom for yelling at her kids on their way out the door to school. I feel like a terrible wife for not wanting to kiss her husband because that is how bad my mood is but doing so out of obligation. I feel like a crappy friend for not wanting to talk or hang out or really do anything that involves people. I feel like everyone and everything in my life is suffering because every other day I am in a foul mood that is unexplainable.

I don't have a problem or feel bad when I am all pissy for a reason. Had I not slept all night or I was fighting with my husband or everything was going wrong, then I wouldn't feel like dirty dishwater. And to top it off, I'm not even sure what the means.

Maybe I am just stressed out because of the move. We finally found out we are moving to Washington State this summer and it is going to be a big move. But that's a subject for a future post. So while I am no good at keeping up with this blog, I do have plans to get back to it. I hope everyone can bear with me as I continue on this rollercoaster ride of a life I am living. And I hope at least some of you are glad to have me back :)