Friday, September 23, 2011

One Week

It's been one week since my last blog post. Other than wanting to sing the Bare Naked Ladies song, I now feel like I'm introducing myself at an AA meeting. And if I was a weaker person, this week may have driven me to drink... or smoke... or well, let's not think about anything else that could have happened.

I haven't given up who I am but I am finding it hard to be the outside me, while the inside me is screaming in agony. Every once in awhile that dark soul rears her ugly head and she can be found complaining on Facebook. Generally, that is all she needs to be put back in her place but this week has been different.

It seems that one thing after another is making her... making me... crazy. In the grand scheme of things, nothing major has happened. No one has died. We still have a roof over our heads. Money isn't really a problem. The kids are healthy. Our marriage is intact. Still I am finding it hard to handle the petty crap I have to deal with on a day to day basis.

The petty crap that is my children misbehaving. Their behavior has progressively gotten worse as the school year drags on. Our summer was less stressful than this and I am one of the moms that cannot wait for school to be back in session. You can call me selfish, or unfit to be a mom but you won't be saying anything new or nothing I haven't thought at one point or another. My point is, this is who I am. For the most part I enjoy my kids when they are home, but I need that 6hr sanity saver that is school. Besides that, it wouldn't do them any good to stay home anyway. I am not a good teacher. John is way better than I am and he has to work to support the 7 of us (9, if you include the dogs!). It just isn't fair to them or to me which is why they go to school and why one of my favorite times of year is Back2School time!

Anyway, it's just been a hellish week. On top of the kids behaving worse than they have in a long time, we also have the issue with ABF, the moving company we used for our DITY move to Washington. Long story short, they never got the weight tickets that we specifically asked (and paid) for. No weight tickets means we have no paperwork to turn in to transportation. No paperwork to turn in to transportation means our advance needs to be paid back and we won't get the rest of the money we are owed for doing a DITY move. After 6wks of trying to figure this out we get an email from our ABF contact that they will be refunding our money. That sounds reasonable, right? Except for one little tiny factor... what we paid them is not the same amount that we received in our advance from the Army. It's about $1100 short. That means once we get this $5000 back we then have to turn around and pay the Army that money plus the other eleven hundred on top of it. And there goes our Christmas vacation which we had planned with the other $4000 that we are no longer getting from the Army due to the ABF driver's failure to DO HIS JOB!

So yah, my week has been rough. And let us not forget the drama that comes from Facebook. Like I said, petty crap. But in all honesty, it is my petty crap. It sucks, and I don't have to feel bad about feeling crappy over such stupid stuff. It's my own demons and I need to work them out for me and my family. I can't do that if I am constantly on Facebook getting annoyed and irritated by every little thing that doesn't matter. So I deactivated my account for now. I don't know when I will be back but I know I will be back. If you can understand that, I thank you. If you can't, I'm sorry you will still have to deal with it. I just hope to be welcomed back, when outside me comes back.


C. Beth said...

Hang in there, Bri!! A break from Facebook sounds like a VERY healthy thing!

Bri said...

Thanks, Beth! For me, it really is a healthy thing. I spend way more time on there than I really should. It is open on my desktop 24/7 and I justify it because I am a SAHM with 4 kids in school, an Army wife with groups of other wives on FB and that is the main source of communication between me, my family and the majority of my friends. This week just had me at the lowest I have been in a long time and being on FB wasn't helping. Even though this deactivation thing is kinda dumb (all I have to do is just sign back in LoL) it kinda tricks me into not going on until I am really ready to be back there. I think I just need time to put myself back together without the outside world right there.