The Little Things

Marriage is complicated. When you are dating you spend all this time and effort doing little, sweet things for each other because really that's all you could afford, so it was always the thought that counted. As your relationship developed into something more, so did your efforts. Now you count the big things you do for each other instead of the little things.

Marriage is weird. You sleep next to someone for the rest of your life that irritates you more than your crazy aunt. You put up with their quirks and fight over who left dirty dishes on the counter instead of putting them into the sink or dishwasher. You talk about the rash you found under your boobs and ask them to smell your feet.

Marriage isn't about the big things, yet we focus on those so often that we forget about the little things. My husband and I just spent days fighting over what turned out to be an issue with the little things, not the big things.

My role in this marriage is to take care of the household. I pay the bills, I make sure the kids have clean school clothes, I do the grocery shopping, put the groceries away, and make dinner for a family of 7, I make sure we have healthy foods in the house, along with some snacky stuff cause who doesn't love snacky stuff, and I worry about the future, if the money is going to stop coming, if my kids will survive another move, if my marriage will last through all the changes that we are facing. My role is a pretty big one. Without me, this house would likely fall apart. So I spend my days taking care of the big things. I wear myself out with the cleaning and the cooking and the homeschooling and the child rearing and the bill paying and the worrying that at the end of the day I forget about the little things.

I sigh when my husband wraps his arms around my waist while I am trying to cook dinner. I sit at the edge of the sofa waiting for him to come greet me with a kiss when he gets home from work. I go to bed before he does, sometimes not even telling him that I am going to bed. I get mad when I see he left another beer can on the end table or the loaf of bread on the counter. I let my stress dictate how I react when he walks in the door and then in turn everything begins to annoy me and it leads to sleeping with an invisible wall between us.

I know what you are thinking, what kind of wife am I that treats her husband like this? Well, let me tell you. I am a stressed out mom of 5. I have a lot on my plate and am constantly being pulled in 12 million directions at once. My husband works ALL.THE.TIME. and when he is home he wants to relax... and so do I, but we can't both relax at the same time because something ALWAYS needs done. The stress gets to both of us and we end up not seeing the little things the other person says/does.

We read a book called The Five Love Languages to determine how we show love and how we want to be shown love. We are not even the same in that regard. I like to show my love by buying little things for those that I love, or doing the little things like serving them dinner, or writing little notes for them. The every day things I do that have become so expected that they can't be seen as the little things anymore.

I buy cadbury creme eggs for my husband even though he shouldn't be eating them and it's not even that close to Easter but he LOVES them, so I buy him a few. I make him a bacon rose bouquet for Valentine's Day because he likes bacon and it was something fun and unique for him. I serve him his dinner after I have finished cooking and made up everyone else's plate before making my own plate. I remind him of things he needs to do. I wear the necklace he bought me. I share my last cigarette with him. I manage his soccer team. I even put on extra deodorant before I go to bed just in case I stink ;)

Sometimes these things just aren't enough though. They go unnoticed because they are so typical or so small that they get overlooked. The things that are noticed are the times I forgot to say thank you, or the time I didn't kiss him goodnight, or the time I shrugged away from a hug because I just wasn't feeling like being loved on. Then all those little things add up into a big thing that leads to someone feeling unloved or unappreciated.

So, if not doing the little things adds up into a big deal... then shouldn't doing the little things add up into a big deal? Think about all the little things you do and the times you haven't done them and we should all make a bigger deal out of doing the little things. And if you notice your spouse not doing the little things, speak up before it becomes a big thing. And if you notice you aren't doing the little things, or the little things you are doing aren't being noticed, then do something about it. We need to stop thinking the other person knows they are upsetting us and stop letting it build up before saying something.