A Day of Despair

9 years ago today I was just a kid. 18 years old and soon to be a mommy. I was engaged and we were having a baby girl we planned to name Abrielle Lynne. We would call her Abby. She would have her mommy's button nose and have feet like her daddy's and beautiful curly red hair. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother and a wife. All my dreams were coming true. I was truly unprepared for the events that would unfold that day.

I don't remember the exact details of that day so if you were there and the details don't sound right to you, its just because I have a terrible memory and it wasn't the most memorable day either.

I was about 26wks pregnant and had a regularly scheduled OB appointment that morning. I was still in high school so I'm assuming I took the day off or was planning on going in late. I arrived at my appointment to see my quirky obstetrician. He was the best. He delivered both my aunt's kids and came highly recommended. There was no better choice in T-town, than Dr. Goodin.

I chatted with Nurse Shelley and Julie, his wife and receptionist until Dr. Goodin was ready to see me. Things were proceeding along normally until we tried listening to our baby's heartbeat. The dr. couldn't find it. Being young and knowing what a frightening situation this could be, my doctor tried convincing me that the baby was probably just hiding but he wanted me to go over for an ultrasound just to be sure. My heart was in my stomach and my stomach in knots when we left his office. I was terrified that something was really wrong but I tried not to stress.

We headed to our ultrasound but not before stopping at Burger King. I was starving and thought I should eat something. I ordered a chicken sandwich, with pickles I think, and a raspberry iced tea. So much for eating... I don't think I could stomach much of it. I was too nervous.

We walked into the ultrasound room with lead in our shoes. At least I did... I did not want to be living my worst fear. The room seemed darker than usual and the ultrasound tech was not very friendly. The only words I remember hearing are... "I don't see a heartbeat. It appears the baby has been dead for about 10 days." I thought I was going to puke. My knees were weak but I stood strong. My emotions were all tied up inside me.

Grief and guilt ran rampant through my head. 10 days... 10 days ago was when I had a mysterious pain. Why didn't I let him take me to the doctor? Why did I blow it off? Something could have been done. It is possible to have saved our daughter had I not been so nonchalant about it. The mere thought of that gave me chills.

We made the rounds of the school to let teachers and such know that we would not be in for a few days because of what happened. One guy wasn't so nice about it and almost got a mouth full of fist. Lucky for him we were too grief stricken to waste our energy on fighting.

That evening we went to the bowling alley where I bowled on Wednesdays with my mom and aunt. Afterwards we went to visit my grandmother in the hospital. She was dying. She had been sick for a long time and I had not gone to visit her yet. They would be taking her off the machines and this would be my last chance. I stood in the doorway just looking in on her, surrounded by her family. It didn't even look like her... so sick, so frail. It was the first, well now second, death I would have to face. 18 years old... too young to be dealing with so much pain. Pain that hurts just thinking about it.

I always thought that April 16th was a day of mourning for my little girl... but the day that will always stand in my mind is today. April 14th. The day I was told my sweetpea was gone. The day my world came crashing down.