R.I.P. Abrielle Lynne Lewis-Zeigler

At 6:14am on April 16th 1999 our daughter Abrielle was stillborn. She weighed 10-12oz and was barely 10 inches long. Her body was a dark red color, like liver. We held her for awhile. I don't remember crying much, if I even cried at all. It was determined, later on, that the cause of death was actually three problems. First and foremost, an insufficient placenta. My placenta wasn't functioning properly, therefore she was not receiving the proper nutrients. Second, her cord was coiled. Instead of being a straight tube, it looked like sausage links so she was not getting barely any nutrients and that was why she was so small. Last, but definitely not least, she had a heart condition that she likely inherited from her daddy. The first two is what caused the stillbirth but the third was still an issue. My poor baby had to suffer that whole time. It was devastating.

We had visitors in and out all day. I remember my two aunts coming in, my aunt Kelly and my aunt Sherry. I'm sure my mom was there sometime as well but I don't remember. The Chaplin came in to talk to us but I know I wasn't listening. The morphine was really strong in my system and I was in and out of sleep. A woman brought in a vase with a single pink carnation in it and a card with a yellow rose was placed on our door to notify staff that the baby had died. I could just imagine what would have happened if someone came in congratulating us and asking where the baby was. I think I would have lost it.

Not too long after she was born they took her away. We were given a couple polaroid pictures that, to this day, I regret letting out of my sight. I would love to be able to go back and look at my sweet precious babe but I can't. With her tiny little fingers and perfect little feet. They gave us a crib card also with her birth information and footprints on the back. I love looking at those feet. She had her daddy's feet, even then. I wonder what she would look like now... if I were to meet her in heaven, I mean.

The picture I get in my head is of a little girl... three years old maybe. She is wearing a white dress and is barefoot. Her hair is dark red, to her shoulders with big curls. She wears a princess crown in her hair. Her eyes are hazel like mine and she has a little button nose. She doesn't look too much like me or too much like her daddy, just the perfect combination, taking both of our best features. She is the most beautiful angel, jumping from cloud to cloud just waiting to meet her mommy, holding a single pink carnation.

The pink carnation has become the flower I associate with Abby now. I always want to take one to her resting place but like I said previously, I haven't been out there. I've asked her dad to take it there for me but he also hasn't been there in a while.

Is it weird that carnations are my favorite flower? Had you asked me before her death I'd have said roses. Josh used to give me roses ALL the time but now I much prefer carnations. I think I might have to go get some pink carnations today in honor of my sweet angel baby.

Rest in Peace, Abby. Mama loves you and you are always in my heart. XOXOX