Friday, May 2, 2008

Letting Go

I've come to a crazy realization and not a moment too soon.

I find it difficult to let go of things, especially pertaining to my past. I hold onto things for nostalgic reasons and because sometimes I think, "I just may need this at some point."

I have a terrible memory and my life hasn't been all that peachy so I think this plays into why I hold onto special things. A stuffed bear sits on my bookshelf that I was given in 1994 by my boyfriend at the time. We were pretty serious, on an off for a couple years, for being only 13 years old. He gave me the bear for Christmas, I believe. I was so madly "in love" with him... obsessed is probably a better word, but doesn't sound as nice. I'm not quite sure why I still have it. Maybe it has to do with my dad moving us 800 miles away the following summer, tearing me away from my "soulmate" and my best friends. Or maybe it's because it's the only thing I have from my childhood. Granted, I was a teenager by the time I received it but I have nothing from when I was little. I don't have memories from when I was little either so I think this has a lot to do with it. That was also a great time in my life... junior high was so much fun and those were such simpler days back then.

For a long time I held onto all the notes I had from those days and from high school as well. It was also so peaceful to go back and read what we were talking about. Who we were "in love" with and who we "hated" were always great topics to read about. My favorites though were notes from old boyfriends. I liked reading about how pretty they thought I was or how in love with me they were. I was never very confident in those areas so it really made me smile to know that someone thought those things about me. However, a few years ago I threw them all away. I had held onto them long enough and having letters from old boyfriends laying around the house didn't seem like a good idea.

Today I just came across something I have had for over ten years and have no idea why I am still keeping it. When I was in high school I had bunkbeds... yes, bunk beds LoL and there were boards that were under the top mattress that I always wrote on. I was big into writing my name or the current love of my life's name. I also had some people sign them. This particular board was signed by my boyfriend at the time and also by my cousin. I started writing on it in 1997 when I was still in love with my junior high boyfriend. I scratched that out to make room for the new love in my life and it still reads that I will love him for life. Which, yes, is true... the kind of love has just changed over the years.

So as I sit here thinking about all the clutter I have around here... the stuff we don't use, the stuff that just takes up space... I realize that I need to let go. I don't know what makes me hold onto the sentimental things and I really have no clue why I hold onto junk that hasn't been used in years. This spring I will officially letting of all of that... letting go of the old me.

I am committing to change my habits. I'm willing to admit that the things I hold onto are for purely idiotic reasons. I've held onto things for fear that someone one day will ask about it... I've held onto things just because a certain someone gave it to me or touched it (as I think is the case with the board). None of these things have made an impact on my life in a physical manner... the thought, the memory, will still be there in my heart and in my head long after the clutter is gone. So I vow, here and now, to let go of the past, to let go of the clutter, to live more minimally. I am letting go...

(and I feel like I had some sort of epiphany that you would see a character in a movie having... I am standing on at a podium, holding a torch above my head, there are rays of light behind me and triumphant music is playing. I am ready to exhaust the flame of the past and move on to a brighter future. How dumb do I sound? LoL Honestly though, I'm ready to get rid of all this junk. It only stresses me more. Now if only I could get Clean Sweep or my mother in law in here to help me.)

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

Oh I'll help you - I'm as good as clean sweep. I like to get rid of stuff just ask my mom - I can get rid of anything! Let me know when you want a deep clean - but we will need babysitters cause some of the words coming from either of us wouldn't be good for kiddy ears LOL